Coming out

Hey
So as my title says, this about me coming out and for those who have yet to find the strength.

It was a hard thing to come to terms with, but I always knew I liked men, I guess i knew really early.
I first experienced it at the age of 5, I remember going to a friends house and we were playing in his yard, the next thing I remember was being under his dad's truck and kissing. That was the first time for another 14 years. I mostly spent my time alone, always laying in bed and thinking about running away with some other guy and finding love, but at the same time too scared to even live that way and tell people.

I became a bit of a pothead by 18 and smoking weed everyday for weeks, I met this guy and he was gorgeous, younger than me by 3 years though. But all I wanted to do was be with him all the time. Then not long after that my brother passed away at 14 years old to cystic fibrosis, I completely fell apart and went insane, I told everyone I knew at the time I was gay and they didn't want anything to do with me, I spent some time in a psychiatric ward.

After I got out I went to live with my grand parents in a small country town and I immediately felt home, I was where I needed to be and I found happiness, I told them that I was gay, and they were happy that I was comfortable to tell them before the rest of my family.

I had a few relationships but nothing serious until I was 20, I am now 24 and still with the guy who took my virginity. Yes I lost it at 20 haha but I am very glad I lost to the guy of my dreams.

All I can say is for anyone who hasn't come out yet, don't wait too long find the strength you need and whoever truly cares about you will stay by your side.

Stay strong, stay safe, be beautiful xx

My worst fear

My worst fear to date is definitely becoming fat, I once was a fat kid and all it lead to was bullying.
Everyday I would just eat, not because I was hungry but because of 2 reasons, 1 I hated myself and 2 because I was bored out of my mind.
Don't get me wrong I literally have nothing against people who are on the large side but for me I don't ever want to be like that again. I still bare the scars of my stretch marks and it's quite embarrassing. So the only way i found myself to stay skinny is to eat barely anything and throw up. aswell as do as much excercise as possible, I really want to get a 6 pack.
But to everyone out there just be yourselves and be happy xo

Stay Safe, Be strong, Be Beautiful and follow your Dreams :) 

Age 16

Well to start where I left off, the whole drama of kicking us out of the house went on for months, it was really hard to know the family when your constantly belittled and screamed at for something you didn't do. 

Some people should never have kids and my mother was one of those people.

So my first year back at school went by quite fast, I made some really good friends and made some enemies aswell, I was invited over to their houses on weekends and holidays but I always found an excuse to get out of it, I guess all my emotional problems and crappy family I had to deal with I didn't want to get too close to anyone because you never know what will happen.

So at the age of 16 my life was go to school, come home and stay in my room, and this I would do everyday, I didn't talk to anyone I just kept my door closed. Most of the time I would just eat junk food and then come out for dinner, I was gaining weight quite badly and I didn't know how to stop it. as I said earlier my whole family were quite large and I really didn't want to end up like this for the rest of my life.

I remembered when we used to go driving we would pass a gym on the main road, so one day I got on my bike after school and went straight down there, I was in that place for a good hour having a look around and signing up. when I left I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders,  and I was really excited to start.

When school returned the following year most of my friends from year 9 were gone, I saw some of the other guys I would hang around with in the library when we were getting sorted into our classes. every single one of those kids I had been friends with got put into the same group, my stomach dropped and I started to feel sick, then I hear the names of my bullies get called out, and shortly after that my name was called. I was put into the same class as these guys. 

Maybe it won't be so bad I told myself, After all we are 16 and growing up. For a few weeks everything was going alright, every morning I would get up at 5am and make my way to the gym, I would do 40 minutes of Cardio and then 40 minutes of weights. I would ride home and have a shower and then head over to school. I'm not really sure what happened but something made those guys in my class start hating me more and everyday they would draw on my face with markers and and start pushing me around.

Every morning I would hang around with my Friends before taking the long dreaded walk over to where my class was, one day as I was walking my off the teacher of my Friends came up to me and asked if I would like to join her class, without any hesitation I said yes. It took about a week for her to make it happen but when it did i was finally in a class with people I felt comfortable with. 

So I go to the gym every morning, I am finally in a class with friends, so that part of my life was going really well. but at home things were getting horrible, I didn't like my family but i would still protect them, my sister got caught up with some pretty bad people, she became addicted to drugs and dating some complete scumbag. I hated this guy the moment I saw him, you could tell he was bad news so I told him to stay away from our house and not to come anywhere near our street. 

One day i caught him and my sister outside the house, I am not into violence but my family didn't need that shit in their lives, so I walked up and told him to leave, I didn't touch him I just sent him on his way. Not long after that he came back with his brother who he told I had beaten him up. This guy was huge and very scary. Nothing happened that night but a few days later I went for a walk with the dog and he followed me, he asked if I was my sister's brother and i said yes, within a blink of an eye he punched me 3 times in the face, splitting my eye, nose and mouth. the good part for was I didn't get knocked down I was still standing, he made threats and walked away.

I later found out that if he can't knock someone down then he walks away, otherwise he wouldn't have stopped that day and who knows what may have happened, all I could think was my days in the gym were finally paying off. I wasn't seeing the results but I started to feel them as I was moving things I never used to be able to by myself. 

I wasn't prepared for what i would do in the following years.

Stay Safe, Be strong, Be Beautiful and follow your Dreams :) 

The Beginning

Everybody has a story to tell at some point in their lives, some choose not to disclose it.
I am Currently 24 years old and I have been on a very strange roller coaster ride so far in life.

I was born on the 10th of April 1990, I was the third child to my parents, before me were two sisters and after me followed two brothers. I can't remember much from my childhood, i spent the majority thrown between my Parents and Foster homes. still to this day I am not quite sure why that was. 

As I got older I spent more and more time with myself, just closing off from the family, I just felt like i had nothing in common with them at all, My youngest Brother was the only one i truly cared about, he had a life threatening Illness. We fought like any normal family but sometimes it was intense. My mother left my Dad many Times But for good when I was 12 and all I found myself doing was shutting away more and more. how can anyone ever really know what is going on in those situations. 

All through school I was constantly getting in trouble and showing no remorse, My Mother started seeing a new guy and he was the worst man i had ever encountered at that time in life. At the age of 13 I was withdrawn from school and i went to work, it was in a car yard working for my mother's partner's friend. so at the age of 13 I am getting up at 7 in the morning and getting ready. then I would get on my bike and ride for 45 minutes to get to work at 8:30 in the morning. I worked from 9 Until 5 everyday for $1 and hour.

Everyday was the same there, surrounded by creepy, dirty, disgusting 40 year old men, talking shit, treating me like shit, and making me do everything. not many 13 year old kids would know how to pull apart a car, fix a car, remove tyres from the rims. I was doing everything. everyday I would go home depressed and completely black from grease. one day I was walking though the factory it was a cold and rainy day and one of those guys came up to me and asked me to open my pocket, so I did and he flopped out his Genitals and threatened to piss in my pocket, I was 13 like what the Fuck. nobody believed me and I had to keep working there. 8 months later I finally left, I had to get out there was no way I wanted to spend my life doing that and turning out like them, so I went back to school.

2004: I am 14 years old and already learnt respect and got a great look at reality and how sick this world can be, so I am back at school and ready to make something of myself, Was I ready? did I know what I was up against? I make it sound like it was Police Academy, but it may aswell have been, I knew nobody and had no friends. The first week back to school was rather ok, I started the same day as my main teacher so that was great, we became kind of  friends. I met this one kid Martin Kalinski he started asking me all sorts of questions and it turned out at that point we had been to the same school's before and played for the same Football team but different year's, so he became my bestfriend and i became his shadow going where he went and doing what he did, from it I gained more friends through him.

But while I gained friends through him he had people that didn't like him, and I also became a target for there abuse. before I went to work I would have definitely done something to make sure my problem didn't escalate out of control, But I had already experienced way too much in violence from home, work and the streets. I renounced violence and hated it with a passion. I was a chubby kid, not too fat just in the middle but still enough for people to tease me for it, but it ran in the family the only that was skinny was my youngest brother but that was because of his Illness.

So everyday I had to get up and go to school knowing what each day was going to bring, it wasn't one bully it was 5 all at the same time everyday. and the only strength i got every morning was when my brother gave me a hug and told me to have a great day, he had no idea what I went through each day and I kept it all to myself. I really had nobody to talk to i hated my mother, my sisters were complete bitch's and my mother's partner well lets just say he hated us and any chance he got he would talk my mother into kicking us and living with my dad. The sad part is we would know when one of us was in the ringer because they would wake up and just start screaming at us for no reason, I mean yelling, blaming us for adult problems and whatever else they could come up with. it became a weekly event in the household and all I could do is withdraw, forget them, and don't get close because you don't know what day will be your last in that house.

I am going to leave hear for now its quite an emotional time I haven't spoken about my past in my life... 

Stay Safe, Be strong, Be Beautiful and follow your Dreams :)